Jenny Johnson’s Field Guide to Internet Commenters

People Whose Parents Laughed at Their Jokes When They Were Kids, Therefore They Think They Are Authorities on Comedy 

These sweethearts take the time to let me know every chance they get whether or not something I have written is funny. Comments like, “Not your best work,” “Swing and a miss,” or “You used to be funny. Unfollow” are some of their favorites. If you aren’t familiar this person, I’ll give you a hint. You know that kid your parents would force you to invite to your birthday party? It’s that kid as an adult. They often follow parody accounts of comedians or actors, where all of the tweets are stolen from actual funny people. They most likely own the sequel to Deuce Bigalow on DVD.

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How to be a Football Fan

Jenny Johnson has learned a few things from her fellow football fans. Here’s her guide on how to be a REAL fan:

If you follow me on Twitter, it will come as no surprise to you that I’m a huge fan of the Houston Texans. I frequently show my support for the Texans by going to their practices, games, tweeting my support, texting well-wishes to my Houston Texan friends on game day and posting Texans pics on my Instagram. I started observing other sports fans while at games, while watching the team play from my local neighborhood pub and reading people’s @ replies to me following one of my supportive Texans tweets. Then it occurred to me that I’ve been doing it all wrong. When the Texans lost the playoff game to the New England Patriots, I congratulated the Patriots on my Twitter page like some kind of idiot, I should’ve been talking shit! Well I won’t make that mistake twice. Here are a few things I’ve learned from my fellow football fans on how to be a REAL fan.

  • Always call the opposing teams quarterback something homophobic. “Stupid faggot” or “Cocksucker” seem to be popular names for whoever is taking snaps against the team you love. Also say things like, “I hope that cocksucker [insert player’s name] is ready to be raped by my [insert team name].” It really proves your undying love for a group of muscular, sweaty men who have no idea who you are.
  • A great move when at a game is to simply roll your game program up into a tube and shout plays at the coach from your nose bleed seat. Who cares if the coach can’t hear you? You want him to get his head out of his ass, and by god, you are gonna let him know. The people seated around you will love to hear your knowledge of football screamed through a $15 magazine of players’ names and stats.
  • Get drunk, then begin explaining the rules of football to whomever is next you.

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How to Survive Christmas

As Christmas rapidly approaches, many of you are dreading spending the holidays stuck in a house with your awful relatives. Your brother’s bringing his new girlfriend who has a cheek piercing and a kid 13 years younger than she is. Your aunt’s new husband is a registered sex offender with “DTF”’ tattooed on his neck. And your cousin who showed his penis to girls when you were kids is wearing a wizard hat. No matter how dreadful the situation, Jenny Johnson is here to help you get through Christmas:

  • Alcohol is a must. Hide bottles of your favorite alcohol in the bathroom, along with a phone charger, so that you can text the people you actually enjoy. And while I feel eggnog is basically alcoholic pancake batter, and seems like it’d be one hell of a mess if puked up, it still does the trick, so I’ll put aside my disdain if it’s your holiday drink of choice.
  • Small talk with relatives can be brutal. The generic pleasantries shared between your 80-year old Nana and 15-year old niece are about as comfortable as watching your local news anchor chat with the meteorologist. Always try to avoid certain controversial topics like politics, death and fingering, they can sometimes make some people uneasy.
  • If you have a fantasy football team, don’t talk about it at the dinner table as if you’re a real NFL team owner, you sound like a idiot. Oh and while you’re at it, take the cellphone holster off your belt loop. I doubt Mattress Firm will be having some sort of mattress emergency that requires your phone to be on your hip at all times.