From his aborted presidential run, to his open attempts to blackmail Obama, to his numerous homes and apartments that were apparently decorated by a blindfolded Wayne Newton, Donald Trump stands alone as a shining example of how a person can make gobs and gobs of money without ever making a decent contribution to mankind. He is shit.
Breaking: Donald Trump Supports Same Sex Marriage!
This morning, “The Donald”, a man with a combover that looks like a bed of cat whiskers (file this detail away for later, under “HYPOCRISY”) took to Twatter (that is Twitter, for those who use the medium to act like twats) to take a dump on Arianna Huffington. He wrote, for unclear reasons:
@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.
Classy! Pulling that ole what-is-up-with-that-chick-is-she-a-DUDE?-ha-ha-ha line on a powerful woman. I mean, you just don’t expect such things from a man who has his own reality show.
I was being sarcastic there. What I mean to say is: Donald Trump is a real douchebag.
But first—lest you think I’m slinging the term douchebag like a common frat boy named Josh, a brief reminder of what a douche bag is: A douche bag is a piece of equipment that resembles a whoopee cushion with a larger blowhole. So, essentially, a farting apparatus with a mouthpiece. It is used, as you likely know, to douche, a vaginal flushing process that is now medically disparaged. But long before there was a consensus on its general ill effect, the douchebag was branded as an agent of cleanliness! Of civility! Of refinement! (and, strangely—as a means of birth control too.) In actuality, douchebags create gross infections. And they’re about as an effective form of birth control as spraying your penis with Clorox.
Donald Trump is a douchebag. A guy who looks like a big fart sack. A guy who’s narcissistic enough to sell himself as an agent of good, when really he’s an ineffective schmuck who just spreads infection.
On the upside, it appears that Donald Trump is endorsing same sex marriage! And that’s what we’ll go with for the title of this post.
In dishonor of the lamest, weirdest, and douchebaggiest events of 2011, we present the first annual Year in Dick Moves. Naturally, The Donald made our list:
April 7: Donald Trump Sends Investigators to Hawaii to Investigate Obama Birther Controversy
The Donald’s private dicks, according to him, “[could not] believe what they’re finding”: everything except, apparently, the President’s actual birth certificate, which sank the birther charge and Trump’s political resonance along with it. As for his coulda-been presidency, this pretty much said it all: “Trump also insisted he’s more serious than ever about mounting a presidential bid, but said he can’t make a final decision until this season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.”
BREAKING: Was Donald Trump
Really Born In The US?
We obtained a copy of Donald Trump’s birth certificate (thanks, Internet!) and we were shocked to see that the so-called official document raises more questions than it answers about just where the business magnate turned presidential hopeful is really from. [Cue conspiracy music.]