How to Survive Christmas

As Christmas rapidly approaches, many of you are dreading spending the holidays stuck in a house with your awful relatives. Your brother’s bringing his new girlfriend who has a cheek piercing and a kid 13 years younger than she is. Your aunt’s new husband is a registered sex offender with “DTF”’ tattooed on his neck. And your cousin who showed his penis to girls when you were kids is wearing a wizard hat. No matter how dreadful the situation, Jenny Johnson is here to help you get through Christmas:

  • Alcohol is a must. Hide bottles of your favorite alcohol in the bathroom, along with a phone charger, so that you can text the people you actually enjoy. And while I feel eggnog is basically alcoholic pancake batter, and seems like it’d be one hell of a mess if puked up, it still does the trick, so I’ll put aside my disdain if it’s your holiday drink of choice.
  • Small talk with relatives can be brutal. The generic pleasantries shared between your 80-year old Nana and 15-year old niece are about as comfortable as watching your local news anchor chat with the meteorologist. Always try to avoid certain controversial topics like politics, death and fingering, they can sometimes make some people uneasy.
  • If you have a fantasy football team, don’t talk about it at the dinner table as if you’re a real NFL team owner, you sound like a idiot. Oh and while you’re at it, take the cellphone holster off your belt loop. I doubt Mattress Firm will be having some sort of mattress emergency that requires your phone to be on your hip at all times.