The SNL mainstay and star of Movie 43 offered GQ some pointed love advice:
For Valentine’s Day, could you give our readers some tips on how to land a fiancée like Olivia Wilde?
Oh boy. First off, when she’s speaking, keep your eyes open. Also say “please” and “thank you”—that was very helpful. And most important: Just mean what you say and say what you mean.
That’s very genuine. Recently, Olivia joked that you guys had sex like Kenyan marathon runners. So you guys wear short shorts and numbers on your backs?
Yep, and we have a guy who gives us little cups of water. To be honest, she was misquoted. If there’s any legitimacy in entertainment journalism, I’d be remiss if I didn’t correct it: The actual quote was “We fuck like Kenyan marathon runners.”
Oh, sorry. Yes. Totally different.
Things get lost in the translation. But everything after, from the word sex on, is accurate. When we’re both done, we tear through a little piece of tape. And you gotta put Band-Aids on your nipples, otherwise you’re really raw.
While all holidays have their detractors, nobody quite wigs out over the others like they do for Valentine’s Day. In fact, people seem to like Thanksgiving (except for the travel), Halloween (except for having to be nice to children and hos), the Fourth of July (except for dogs), St. Patrick’s Day, New Year’s, Labor Day, and so on. I think the thing that they all have in common is booze.
This is why I’ve learned to treat Valentine’s as an unofficial drinking holiday.
Think about it for a second.
People love drinking holidays because your only obligations are to make sure you eat enough dip and don’t take your top off. The best drinking holidays are the ones where you don’t have to see your parents, and are instead encouraged to parade around with other drunk people in some kind of dumb hat. There’s no anxiety about being alone, because you’re not alone, you’re with that guy in the oversized sunglasses and the Dr. Seuss hat. He’s fun, and you think his name is Greg. Single people have known this for years, but it goes double for you couples, whether your relationship is fresh or comfortably shopworn.
I know lots of women and men who agonize over Valentine’s Day, when they should just be celebrating the gropiest part of their relationship. You don’t need to come up with some elaborate homespun craft or suspendered crotchless number—just go to a dark hotel bar and drink martinis until you do things you tell stories about at brunch.
GQ’s Andrew Richdale asked 10 of our favorite real women around New York, including designer Eunice Lee. We liked her answer best. Please pay attention, fellas.
I like being surprised. You know what’s really hot? Receiving a note telling me when and where our romantic evening is going to start. Speaking of where, consider a hotel, one with lots of character, like The Lafayette House. It’s a treat because you feel like you’re away, even in the middle of a snowy winter. Plus, it’s perfect for the major amounts of mind-blowing love-making I expect. There should be no wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kind of crap on Valentine’s!
I am thinking a book....
Stop thinking that.
But hey, we’re light-a-candle fellas, not curse-your-darkness pricks. So: a few quick ideas in your price range:
* Our favorite thing to do on Valentine’s Day is eat well, and we’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth. So we love this site, which allows you to create customized chocolate bars. It’s inexpensive, but more importantly, it’s personal.
* This one is a bit beyond your range, but it’s worth it: Swatch’s Black Rebel. An all-black wristwatch. No frills. No color. Very cool. $60. Way better than a book.