How to Watch the Super Bowl in 13 Easy Steps

01 Find out which teams are playing. Are you a fan of the Buffalo Bills? Your team is not playing.

02 Decide where you’d like to watch the Super Bowl. Would you like to watch it in person? Okay, all you need to do is book a flight to New Orleans, buy a ticket off of StubHub (prices start at $2,400), show up at the stadium nineteen hours early, then watch the entire game from one lousy angle. Or you can watch it on TV. You should probably watch it on TV.

03 Find out which network is airing the Super Bowl. This year it’s…CBS? Oh Christ, they’re the worst. Three straight hours of Jim Nantz wishing he were broadcasting a golf tournament and Phil Simms saying, “Tammmm and tammmm agin, the Peetriots do things the raht way, Jeem.”

04 Walk to your friend’s house with half a bag of Tostitos. There’s nowhere good to sit. Everyone else apparently lined up for this party at 3 a.m., like they were trying to bag a table at Mission Chinese Food.

05 There’s a dog at this party! Hi, dog! Sure, you can sniff my hand and run around my leg a hundred times. That was fun. Okay, now what do we do? I wasn’t really looking for a relationship here. Isn’t there an owner around to deal with your needy bullshit?

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