If you follow me on Twitter, it will come as no surprise to you that I’m a huge fan of the Houston Texans. I frequently show my support for the Texans by going to their practices, games, tweeting my support, texting well-wishes to my Houston Texan friends on game day and posting Texans pics on my Instagram. I started observing other sports fans while at games, while watching the team play from my local neighborhood pub and reading people’s @ replies to me following one of my supportive Texans tweets. Then it occurred to me that I’ve been doing it all wrong. When the Texans lost the playoff game to the New England Patriots, I congratulated the Patriots on my Twitter page like some kind of idiot, I should’ve been talking shit! Well I won’t make that mistake twice. Here are a few things I’ve learned from my fellow football fans on how to be a REAL fan.
- Always call the opposing teams quarterback something homophobic. “Stupid faggot” or “Cocksucker” seem to be popular names for whoever is taking snaps against the team you love. Also say things like, “I hope that cocksucker [insert player’s name] is ready to be raped by my [insert team name].” It really proves your undying love for a group of muscular, sweaty men who have no idea who you are.
- A great move when at a game is to simply roll your game program up into a tube and shout plays at the coach from your nose bleed seat. Who cares if the coach can’t hear you? You want him to get his head out of his ass, and by god, you are gonna let him know. The people seated around you will love to hear your knowledge of football screamed through a $15 magazine of players’ names and stats.
- Get drunk, then begin explaining the rules of football to whomever is next you.