What To Do When Your Candidate Loses

  1. Turn viciously on your own candidate, renouncing him and shitting all over every mistake he made on the campaign trail.
  2. Make a snide remark about how horrible the next four years will be. “Hope you like prolonged unemployment, people!”
  3. Try and remove your candidate’s bumper sticker, only to realize that it’s permanently affixed.
  4. Vow that your party will come back stronger than ever in the next election. Undermine the winning candidate immediately, at every turn, in hopes that public sentiment will eventually go your way. Because it will. Have you met American voters? All we do is switch majority parties every six years or so. Our discontent is more reliable than a Hanes Beefy-T. Don’t fret. You’re party will get another chance to fuck everything up somewhere down the road, probably sooner rather than later. Oh goody.

More Election Night Tips Here!